Prayers for Me and My Husband

Hail Mary

Full of Grace

the Lord is with Thee.

Blessed art Though among women,

and Blessed is the fruit of Thy womb,

Jesus.

Holy Mary,

Mother of God

Pray for us sinners,

now

and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of mercy;

Hail, our Life, our Sweetness, and our Hope.

To Thee do we cry,

poor banished children of Eve;

To Thee do we send up our sighs,

mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.

Turn, then, Most Gracious Advocate,

Thine eyes of Mercy towards us,

and after this,

our exile,

show unto us the Blessed Fruit

of thy womb,

Jesus.

O Clement,

O Loving,

O Sweet

Virgin Mary!

Amen.

Memorare to St. Mary

Remember,

O Most Gracious Virgin Mary,

That never was it known

that anyone who

fled to Thy protection,

or implored thy help,

or sought Thy intercession,

was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence,

I fly unto Thee,

O Virgin of Virgins,

My Mother.

Holy Mary,

Mother of the Word incarnate,

despise not my petitions,

but in Thy mercy,

hear and answer me.

Amen.

[for healing, hope, and financial settlement;

for a continuing, good relationship;

that he continues to care about our son.

Financial blessings on him.

Means to live, for me, and help with my

present situation.]

Memorare to St. Joseph

Remember, O Most Chaste Spoujse

of the Virgin Mary,

that never was it known

that anybody

who implored Thy help

or sought Thy intercession

was left without assistance.

Inspired by this confidence in your power,

I fly unto your protection.

O Foster Father of the Redeemer,

despise not my humble supplication,

but in They bounty,

hear and answer me.

Amen

[for faith to come more easily,

for continued healing

for protection from evil

for financial blessings.

for both me and A.]

Love

Well now that I’ve gotten so personal

without meaning to

let me say

that the people at the supermarket were really

cool to me for letting me shop there;

nd I’d die for any of the attendants at the corner store

they were so kind to me and such a

vital support

during my stay here;

nd the most special words for the folk

at the pharmacy I visited at least

once a week

throughout the time since I first

came to live here

nd ALL the night staff

who helped me in the wee hours

when I ran out of water

or cigarettes

during my up-all-night days

which went on for long;

thank you to the stranger who parked

outside the all-night Laundromat

by the car vac

when I erroneously went there to start my wash

at midnight–

men only–

I stopped going out at night after that.

Thank you to all in the community who put

up with the all the fall-out of my poor self-image.

All in all it’s been a good stay,

nd now this little neck of the woods

feels almost as familiar to me as South Florida.

I’ll miss my beautiful apartment,

and give it a super rating…

love

to anyone I have left out…

I felt like I was climbing the walls here.

But I needed the rest.

 

The Thing I wasn’t supposed to Say

I’ve said it here already,

about the vortex healing

the pink mantra

and “Pink Lane”

out near the beautiful river

near the Crystal Cave.

It led to damage and insanity.

Vortex healing

is a mix of Hinduism or Buddhism

and “white” magic

‘nd an old friend practiced it on me without

my express permission

nd I got so terrified

by the effects

(I believe adversely in magic

white or black

that they are the same thing).

Everything went haywire after that.

I pray

that ‘m completely over it now.

God works everything to the good, I guess.

I got the rest

I needed.

About Me nd the Supermarket

I have always had difficulty supermarket shopping,

except in California

where it was a breeze

random strangers

would strike up a conversation with you.

I loved it there.

In Easton I developed a very bad reputation.

I had picked an apartment that was like dirt,

in the worst part of town,

I took the first place I saw,

nd you couldn’t tell from how it was covered up

how bad it was,

I was very sick and had to get out of the hotel.

I got

sicker.

‘nd I got treated like dirt.

‘nd I felt like dirt.

The supermarket I went to there was the same chain

as the one here.

It was in the next town over, a stone’s throw from

downtown.

I was getting “go away” messages everywhere I went–

they’d give me something for free

and somehow

I was scared to go back.

So I was scared shopping at the supermarket there.

And when I moved here some people showed up in the

leasing office

the day I was signing the lease

nd said some words

n left.

I assumed the paranoid worst,

which may well have been true.

‘nd my rewards card has my Easton

info on it,

so I was very scared to go to the

same supermarket here,

disabled

having difficulty staying washed

‘nd an aggressive shopper from my experiences

in South Florida.

Things went well enough.

But then I got into it with the night clerk

cuz she tried to give me something for free.

I don’t think she meant any harm.

I certainly didn’t.  But evidently

it affected her work.

I’m very sorry about this.

I took the overdose shortly afterward.

I’m not allowed to talk about what happened

that led to both incidents

because nobody would understand.

Here I am today looking at moving

nd worried as heck.

Blogging has been my only outlet.

I have been too sick to make friends here.

I pray the Lord for safety and charity in the move.

A Fresh Look at Allentown

It’s different on the outside of a state hospital. At least, at Wernersville there was a lot of camaraderie and fun, Spades and pool tables, tennis courts even, a gym, a library. But you lose something each day at a place like that and then suddenly you’re out on your ass and you realize you aren’t who you were any more.

I returned here from South Florida about two and a half years ago.  I followed my son here while in the middle of a divorce. The divorce, the actual courtroom hearing, went down in Florida while I was standing near the phone in a hotel room in Bethlehem.

My husband had advised me to move to Easton.  This move turned out to be a critical point in my journey. There I would suffer, cry, find God, be the scourge of the city, call the cops three times and Children’s Services once–through it all I got over the very worst of the divorce and then fled, fled, covered with reddish brown human body lice, to an inexpensive motel near Dorney Park, the water park, the little Orlando of Allentown.

From there I came to this apartment in South Allentown.

It is a pleasant place, wall-to-wall carpet, free heat, a new kitchen, 2 bedrooms. My ex sent a lot of furniture, which my parents helped me move from the apartment in Easton. After a year and a half I feel very, very comfortable here, at least I do when I am sitting at home alone inside the apartment.

Unfortunately, for reasons I don’t entirely understand I get a hard time here.  I am so used to it wherever I go that I take it for granted, going around scared and mad when I have to do errands. I thought this vicinity would welcome me back but it wasn’t the case. I was resentful. Obviously my sensationalist blogging didn’t help. I criticized the entire region. My blog journey has paralleled a life passage. I said a lot of nasty things about Allentown. I regret this now. I finally looked up the Billy Joel song, “Allentown,” on YouTube today and found out everything I didn’t know about the background and present culture of this city. Now I’m clued in.

I am remembering a long time ago, when I was 21, and a lot like Allentown is now: burgeoning again, just on the brink of starting to BE; but way down and shaking inside.  If you know the Billy Joel video I saw, you know what I mean. All the factories of long ago went down and all meaning in the city went down, leaving the dirty, dangerous little core of a place that I remembered from 26 years ago. Today, money has come in from New York, mansions have gone up, there are lovely parks that have always been there but didn’t shine as they do now with the glow of care, patronage and the bursting core of a whole new Allentown being born. Center City I don’t know much but it is well-frequented; I have been to the courthouse and to a government agency located nearby. I’ve heard it’s dangerous.  The wealthier outlaying areas, stretching in every direction, are lush with beautiful homes new and old, elegant restaurants brand new in old stone buildings or older and gentler from older times.  So the city has a fragile core.

In my hurt and my pain in my life since I was 21, I have seen to take Allentown down in my blogging and this may be why I feel so much actual hostility from the locals around me.  I know that the blog gives me paranoia, also the car accidents recently–all the near misses; so I got so scared I parked the car for a month and then slowly, with the help of God, relearned my driving skills.  After 16 years in the madness of South Florida driving I learned a wild way which suited me well there but now I have recorrected to the organized society that this area now is.  It scared me at first, this place.  I need to learn to love it, as I need to be here.

 

My mother and father are here; my son still stays here too.  I don’t know whether my ex is ever coming back.  I don’t know where else I would go if I didn’t stay here.  I’d like to be part of the burgeoning, to be healed through it.  So much pain, loss.  A broken lifetime.  In Allentown I see a city which could be broken also, people not knowing its past like me, not understanding its present, not seeing its future.  So many people coming in from so many places, crowded roadways, but with the old freight train from a hundred years ago still roaring through it all.

Hello again Allentown!

I’ll be moving again soon but I won’t be very far away.

 

Six Months; Back on My Feet

The recent overdose,

was a random, helpless act,

I promise you.

So much trauma,

so much anxiety,

so much grief.

I got six months rest.

For three months I have been

sleeping night and day,

and in desperation,

fearing the worst at every step.

But the light is changing again

for me.

I see

green lights ahead.

I promise you that

no matter how low you go,

no matter how far you go,

no matter how bad it gets,

you’ll find your way in the end;

never despair of this.

I am quoting Christian songs.

God has His hand on you

so

love every day and don’t fear.

Blessings on you,

I pray the Lord

heaps them on you.

I pray you find the safe places

you need

to go.

Amen.

Love.

Sunday, Back on my Feet

Too many suicide attempts.

Now, they affect my son.

Oh Iam I am so sorry,

your mother is worthless.

I wish I could promise

never to do it again.

It is Sunday and

I have spent an hour in worship and prayer

coming to the realization that I REALLY NEED

to start going to church now.

“Forgive us our trespasses,”

Dear Lord,

“As we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Forgive me for what I have done

and for what I have failed to do.

I have tried to stay involved with my son’s life but

he is

of age now,

a man.

I REALLY need

to start going to church.

Lord have mercy.

Thank you

for your blessings today.

Thank you

for the pancakes with butter and fried eggs

and bless the waitress who served them to me.

Love

[“I love you too, Dear.”]